I remember the day we agreed to take "B" as a foster child. Our home was on hold (as in don't call us, we had another miscarriage and we aren't sure we are going to do this) and our social worker called anyway with a placement of a newborn little boy. Surprisingly to us both, we said yes. We wouldn't learn his name, birthday or anything until a week later. That was a long and hard week of waiting. Worry and impatience filled our days. I'm grateful for good friends who could tell I needed them during that time. I kept being reminded to keep my eyes on Christ as I expressed how I felt. I imagined it was like Peter felt when he had stepped outside of the boat and onto the water. If God didn't help me, I was sure to sink. I was in over my head. I knew that none my feelings, well really any part of me, was 100% up to the task. It all just felt bigger than me and I knew there were waves out there and it wouldn't always be easy. And yet, I knew it was right. The peace that surpassed understanding seemed so real in those moments. Saying yes felt exciting and we were full of hope because we knew that somehow and in some way God had given us a desire to love children without a family.
I had the same feeling later that month after we made the decision and shared the news that we were planning to leave the job as well as the home that we loved and frankly built our entire life around. I was filled with feelings of excitement and hope mixed with anxiety and uncertainty. Would people understand, would we fall on our face in failure, could I support and trust Jason enough to take the lead when he himself didn't have all the answers to how things would play out? But again, somehow and in some way God was growing in us a passion, vision, desire, whatever name you want to put on it, to love this new community that we didn't even know yet through our church that we had only been members of for a couple years. And he was confirming it the strangest and most amazing ways.
I can't tell you that we were ready for either of these life-altering decisions as much as we would have liked to be. We didn't have all of our ducks pretty and in a row. We could speculate and plan with what we did know but we didn't have control over most of those plans. As we sought God about them we knew that we were supposed to keep moving forward and so we did. It was an act of faith based on promises and hope, pure and simple.
That was 8 months ago and the dust is starting to settle. We still can't say everything is wrapped up in a pretty bow or that we don't have moments where we feel anxious. We are still fostering "B" and can't imagine life without him but he's not a Herbstler yet. We are still seeking exactly how we can best love and serve our community and church by being learners. We are living off of financial support and these odd and truly God-sent jobs. But we do know for certain that all this is not by accident. And we are still constantly having to remind ourselves to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. We are beyond grateful for such wonderful friends and family who both encourage and challenge us to believe that it's worth presenting ourselves as living sacrifices to God rather than conforming to the patterns of this world.
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